Career Blog - JoeWoo

Career And Life Notes # 1

How do you find success?

Stop Being A Helicopter Parent

We have helicoptered our kids into wusses. I know what you are going to say. Ouch, that is very harsh. However, that is the truth as to what is going on in today’s world. I know this will be a controversial read for some people and probably upset them. We have a growing problem that needs to be talked about. Our kids have become super dependent on their parents. When kids are in a tough situation, they become very fragile, and are unable to handle or cope with the situation. Our kids have become entitled, thinking they can do no wrong or should have won. We need to learn to let our kids fail and fall down on their faces more. I as much as any parent do not want to see my child fail. It hurts us. But it really hurts our children more if we do not let them fail and give them the Eighth Place Trophy or spend another $20.00 at the carnival to ensure they do not go home empty handed.

Think about these real-life scenarios. How many meltdowns does your child have at doing basic homework? How many times do they cry or throw a temper tantrum when they do not get their way? I hear it all the time. Sure, it is going to happen. Kids are kids. The rate that I see these things occurring is alarming though. And if you are working somewhere, you see it at your place of employment. We all say these kids coming in today do not have any standards. They do not have any drive. Well, I hate to break it to you, but we have created this mess!

I feel like we as parents are always commiserating and acknowledging our frustrations. It has to be the full moon out there right? It’s the stuff they put in the food! It’s a different time. These kids today are bombarded with so many things. That stupid phone, they are always on their phones! While some of these things are true, we cannot use them as excuses. It’s easy for parents to do that. Scotch tape the problem instead of attacking the real issues. I am as guilty as anyone and will admit that. I get very busy working on the weekends, and it is easy to give the kids devices. I get it. We must stop the madness. It is a disservice to our kids and how they will be unprepared to handle basic things in life.

When I watched my kids on two separate occasions experiencing failure, it was tough. It was tough to not want to give in. Our daughter getting upset at not winning at the claw machine. It was very tempting to give her more money to spend. I was close. My hand was in my pocket. But I resisted the temptation. You might say its just a freaking claw machine, and who cares. But there are lessons there. You do not always win at every game.

My wife and I watched a great experience for our son at his Tae Kwon Do class. He was doing well and would have earned a full stripe for completing a technique. He nailed the technique but missed some small things. He started to cry and wanted to quit. His instructor handled it so well. Both of us felt bad for him as he practices every day. As parents, our first temptation is to give in and want to know why it wasn’t given to him. It unfolded as a great lesson for him. He made some mistakes, and we discussed it with him. We didn’t give in to his talk of quitting and commiserating with him. My wife had a great point. Let him think it through and don’t coddle him! So we didn’t coddle. We let him think it through and within a few hours, he was practicing again!

So Why Are Kids Struggling So Much?

Parent’s Own Confidence

I think it really starts with us as parents. I coach many parents and I see one common theme. The parents themselves do not believe they are enough. And this is one of our greatest fears as humans. We do not believe we are enough, so no one will really love or care about us. We wrestle with the thought that we are not good parents when in fact we really are great parents. Here is a test for you. What do you do when you see another child act out? I am willing to bet your answer was you silently say to yourself that the parent screwed up and I am glad I am not like that. That is our insecurity coming out. I am sure the answer to that question is most likely all the time or most of the time. We lower our own standards and expectations. Instead of experiencing life, we let life come at us and just go through the motions.

Participation Trophies

We are teaching our kids that everyone is a winner and there is no losing or failure. We are telling them they can be anything they want. I call it over positive parenting. We care, and we do not want to see our kids get hurt. Kids then grow up and we have a whole generation of young adults that feel entitled. When a young adult fails, or things do not go their way, they get depressed and do not know how to deal with things. It’s a wonder why statistics show that over 65% of people are in some way not satisfied in their job.

How Can We Fix This?

It is not an easy fix. Things like this will not change overnight. They will take time and patience. There are several key things we can do to ensure the helicopter in us lets go.

Self-Awareness

Our kids are not learning how to do things on their own. We must get back to letting our kids learn from their mistakes. We are helping them complete the assignments, and not helping them develop their skills. Instead of telling them what to do or write, why not ask them questions to get them thinking? We must be more aware and in tune with what we are doing with our kids. We are all busy running in many directions. I get that. We must become more aware of helping them develop their skills than just getting an assignment or project done.

Expectations

There are two sides to the expectation coin. On one hand, we have lowered our expectations of people. Just look at the current political climate. We do not expect much from people. We even make excuses up when people do a bad job at work! That’s crazy. On the second hand, we have outrageous expectations that do not fit. I run on the hand of sometimes having unrealistic expectations. I want my kids to do well because I struggled with confidence and always being picked last when I was younger. I realize that I am not my kids, and I cannot put my map and view of the world on them. We can influence our kids and teach them, but we cannot put our own expectations on them. We should expect them to do the very best they can.

Share Your Stories

We all have plenty of stories of failures. And we should share these stories with our kids to help them see how we handled disappointments. I was always the last person picked on every team or every activity. It impacted me greatly for a long time. It sucked. I never let that define me. I use it as an educational tool when I speak to students about failures! We are not sharing enough stories of failure and rejection with our kids.

Spending More Time With Them

Both parents are working longer and harder than ever before. I struggle with this one. I work long hours. And my kids have told me to put my phone down! When I go on social media though, I see people spending hours in a dialog on what’s happening in the latest episode of whatever popular show they watched. We must spend more quality time with our kids. Our attention is getting pulled in many directions. We must realize this and work hard at spending the time that is needed with our kids.

Get Them Help

When you notice they are lacking a skill, go get them some help. We purchased a Tae Kwon Do video and even found YouTube videos for our son to help practice. YouTube is a great resource. I always tell people to Google it! Information is out there in abundance. There are also real learning issues that kids deal with. We need to pay close attention and get them help if they are experiencing learning difficulties. This is critical early on in a child’s life.

Let Go!

We must learn to let them fail. This is one of the most challenging things as a parent. We do not want our kids to experience pain or defeat. It’s not going to be easy, but you must understand that the best success comes from failure and learning from that failure. How did you learn to ride a bike? You got on the bike. You fell off the bike. You got back on, and eventually you were riding the bike like a pro! I wanted to jump up and help my son at his Tae Kwon Do class. I stopped, took a deep breath and realized that I had to let go and let him fail. Be there to support them and give them that huge hug. Tell them that they will learn from this and succeed. You too must take deep breaths, let go, and trust that your child will be fine and be much better for the experience of failure than being helicoptered in life. You are a great parent, and its time you started to believe it and put the action in motion!

Familiy Fun – Vacation 2018 Ocean City, MD

Remove Mediocrity From Your Mind

Many of us always play life without playing it full out. We settle when we get frustrated or things do not go our way. We become mediocre, and are upset that our life has not turned out the way it should. The successful people do not think in small terms. They think big and never settle. Get rid of mediocrity and watch your world transform!

Career Tip Minute #10

When It Pours, It Rains!

Don’t worry, that’s not a typo. We went to an amusement park with some family. It rained the entire time. It would slow down, then pick up, then slow down again. We were able to play games, and even get the kids on some rides. A good portion of the time was spent under the pavilion The kids had fun jumping in puddles. My cousin had a great joke and comment about the situation. He said we could try the new ride called, Table Hopping Under The Pavilions!

So many times in our lives we see the rain and believe its pouring. We have made or problems larger than they seem. There are so many things going on that we feel we cannot get control of. We lose focus, lose our energy, get tired, and become stressed out. We ultimately get more frustrated, depressed, and then give up. Time to throw in the towel! Waive the white flag! If we stopped for a minute and regained focused, we would realize that things are not as bad as they seem. Instead of seeing the rain, we see the downpour!

Why do we do this??? One of the biggest reasons is because we have the ability to make excuses. We create an “opt out” for not doing well. We can blame it on the fact that we are tired, just too busy, we have other important things, or it’s too much work to do. My favorite is, “it’s pouring outside, and we should stay put.” I have used that one many times over! How many times have you had a task or project at work that was given to you in advance, and you started working on it a day or two before it was due to your boss? As humans, it’s much easier to procrastinate. And we create the most amazing excuses to not do something. We literally pour the excuses on top of one another. Another reason for doing this is because we thrive on drama. We love drama. Just count the number of reality shows you watched this week! We love the “fight or flight” mode that occurs. When we are in a stressful situation produces hormones and chemicals that amp us up to perform. In essence, we create the extra stress as a cheat! One of my favorite reasons for seeing the downpour is avoidance. We avoid things because of fear. Fear of failure and yes, even fear of success. We make things harder and difficult than they really are. We make up stories and excuses (there is that word again!) to not do the things we need to do.

So how do we get out of the mindset of our problems being larger than they are and see more rain instead of the downpour?

Stop and Observe- It’s Just Rain
Things are not as bad as they seem. When we were looking at the rain, it looked worse but up close, it appeared heavy because it was falling off the roof of the pavilion. You have to become more aware of your actions, motives, and choices. Analyze where you are making things harder than they really are. Once you see that, it gives you clarity and you can implement changes quickly. It’s your choice to see just the rain or the downpour.

Enjoy The Rain
Attitude is everything when faced with adversity. You cannot be successful with the right mindset and state of mind. It’s not about saying, “rain rain go away come again another day.” Successful people enjoy their problems and think of them as a way to solve something. Think of your problems as a way to make you stronger. Don’t just solve the problem, make it work for you.

Take Massive Action And Jump In The Puddle
Kids have it right. No fear. They love puddles and just jump right in. As adults, what do we do? We yell at our kids for jumping in the puddle and getting soaked. We are afraid they might get sick and don’t want to have to deal with changing their clothes. When was the last time we enjoyed the rain? What if you jumped right in the puddle and took massive action without any reservations?

All problems typically start out small. We just make them larger than they really are. Be grateful for your problems. They really are helping you become stronger. So remember, when it is pouring, it is also raining! And even that rain may be just mist or a few rain drops.

Thanks cousin Chris Corey for the inspiration on this story.

That Transaction Is Declined

We all have done it or experienced it. We get to the register or we are online and our card transaction comes back DECLINED! We are both embarrassed and pissed off at the same time. We want to call the financial institution up and scream at them and tell them how bad they suck. We have no idea of the cause, but we just want to get what we came for and be on our merry way. We get stuck in the transaction.

And that is how we typically live our lives. We are stuck in transactional relationships. We give, and we want to get. We give, and typically the minimum required effort, and then expect to get the world handed to us. We are selfish. We’ve all done it. We show up for a test expecting to ace it, and probably crammed the night before or those 30 minutes just before the test. That Red Bull worked wonders for me! Or, we let our neighbors borrow our tools and then get pissed when we don’t get the tool returned. We stare at their house saying all kinds of words under our breath. When we get into relationships that involve love, that’s when it really gets interesting. We give our time, experiences, energy, joy, compassion, and love. And if we don’t get something in return, we shut it down. The relationship eventually breaks down and it’s over. Sometimes unfixable!

So how do we get out of being transactional? We first need to understand its roots. A transactional relationship is based on expectations that if you give, then someone will return the favor and you get something in return. We get into the mindset that if we believe we are not going to get something in return, then we will not give. Transactional relationships are based in fear and scarcity, and it limits our ability to develop meaningful relationships. We close up shop and close down, not exploring relationships to their fullest. Yes, we are afraid. We are afraid of rejection, we are afraid of failing, and we absolutely cannot stand being rejected. We are even afraid that we are not enough.

The reality is that we are always enough. We have everything we need within us already to handle things. We must understand that we can handle anything that comes our way. We are made for and wired for it. Think about how many people are put in extreme situations, and succeed! There are plenty of examples to remind us of that. We also have to tackle fear head on. Typically, fear is not real. We make most of the fear up in our heads. We create stories, excuses, and some very good elaborate stories to justify the fear. We don’t like the uncertainty of what may come. It scares the sh%t out of us. We think that rejection is going to cause so much pain and hurt. Sure there is pain that accompanies rejection. That’s life. We have to understand that pain, hurt, and rejection is a part of the risk of living. We have to step out of our comfort zones to grow in anything, including relationships. You will be a stronger person through it. You will truly grow as a human being.

So instead of being transactional, you need to give, give, and give. Give your all, give everything. Even when you encounter pain, hurt, anger, and rejection. When you let go of being transactional and enjoy the wonder of each new interaction, we begin to play life full out. We are then authentic, and we give without the fear of having less. An accumulation of giving and good deeds will often provide a great return on the energy and time we invest in others. So really, giving and doing good deeds are their own reward.

Don’t put your feelings in the hands of others

People are going to say and do some really mean and nasty stuff. It’s a part of life and we know it is going to happen. Yet, we let it affect us time and time again. We throw insults back and forth, and even take enjoyment out of it. Then, we get sucked in so deep that what people have said and done truly define who we are. We have allowed it to happen.

You cannot control what others say or do. You control the meaning of it. Not them, not someone else, not the environment around you, or even the economy! It’s your own choice to let whatever has happened to define you, or simply allow it to make you grow from the experience. You can control what happens next!

It’s not about closing your eyes, tapping your shoes three times and saying “there are no problems in my life, there are no problems in my life, there are no problems in my life.” Or what I like best is that people say that their “problems” are “opportunities.” Hell no! And it’s not some positive rah rah bullsh#t. That is how we take the easy way out. And that is a great reason how and why people continue to struggle. We just want to wave a wand and make it all go away. But life is full of problems. We encounter them every day. We have to be in control of ourselves.

The way you overcome the adversity is to define it yourself. You must realize that you are solely in control of your life, even when an uncontrollable event occurs. If you suddenly lose your job due to a corporate restructuring, you obviously cannot control that event, but you can control your ability to continue to work. I know that experience many times over from being in the financial services industry. Instead of saying why does this happen to me, I say it’s a great opportunity to do something new and even earn more money. When I have been faced with problems at work and have been screamed at by clients, sure I get pissed off. But only for a few minutes. If I were to allow that encounter to define my job or the rest of my day, I would probably not be successful. I chose to react the way I wanted to react. I chose my destiny. It was my choice. And so can you at every situation no matter what you are going through. Give the experience an empowering meaning. Let the experience serve you.

Love More Like A Child

It’s amazing to watch a child’s unconditional love. As I was watching our son go through his tonsillectomy surgery this week, it was amazing to see how our daughter comforted him and watched over him like his keeper. And of course he returned the favor by telling his sister that she could have some of his slushy drink! When my daughter and I were leaving the hospital for the night, she started crying because she wanted to stay with her brother. She simply said, “I just love him.” There were no stipulations, no reservations…just pure unconditional love.

As I reflected on it, it really got me thinking. It’s amazing as we grow up, love evaporates. It’s like a slow leak in a tire or balloon. It’s filled up and then slowly it drains. The low tire light comes on and we stare at it, usually until the next oil change to take care of it. We are filled up with love as a child, and then as we get older and go through each stage of life, love slowly drains. Love changes. We put conditions and stipulations on it. We treat love like crap. We treat people like crap. And yes, we treat ourselves like crap. We get so self-centered that we blame everyone else for all of the problems. Some a-hole just cut me off on the road, or did you see that jerk on TV. Or better yet, we yell “your welcome” when the person we just held the door for does not say “thank you.” We tear down people’s character for something they did. We then head right to social media, and bitch about it with a creative post. Then all our friends pile on agreeing with us! Just look around you and see how many people are constantly in their own world…it’s not that hard to see, unless you too have your head up your ass. Love evaporates.

Sure, there are still great moments of love and joy that occur throughout our lives, but we still put so many conditions on it when we are adults. The ALS ice bucket challenge has been great. It is a brilliant way to raise awareness and bring people together. However, look at all the terrible events occurring recently. Ferguson, Missouri is this week’s event. Next week, something else will arise and take its place. And the week after that, something else will take its place. We are human. We make mistakes. We do crazy things because we are human. And figuring out ways to love less is part of being human too. I’m not saying that all of us are going to sit around the camp fire and roast marshmallows together; we all need to do a better job of loving people and this world! We need to do more of that, we do need to think about loving more like a child does.

So how do we love more like a child? Loving more like a child starts from within each of us. It’s loving internal. You must start with yourself first. You have to take care of yourself, and do kind things for yourself. Be healthy. Be who you are and not someone else. Be authentic. Be free. Serve and help others out when they need it most. And most importantly, let go of the negative events that you have buried deep inside that you let linger on and continue to impact you. You cannot control what others do to you, only the meaning of it. It is you who is creating the feeing and emotion. You let love evaporate when you hold on to the negative things. It does project outward and people can see it. You have to love more than you hate. There are days where it’s tough to do just that. We want to scream at or punch the person for doing something to us. Most children get into disagreements or fight over toys several times a day. They pinch, slap, and sometimes punch. They stomp off and say “I hate you. I’m not playing with you again.” Five minutes later, they are back playing together like nothing happened. Wouldn’t it be nice if we adults can be that way? We can. Don’t say adults cannot be that way, as that is just a load of BS and more excuses. It’s your choice. It all starts with U!